Listen to Your Body
I am no stranger to exhaustion; I feel it physically and mentally nearly every day.
Why do I constantly push myself to the limit? It’s clear to me that it’s not making me smarter, stronger, or better as a person.
When I decided to pursue a more active lifestyle back in 2011, I never thought that it would become an obsession. I’ve always been told that I have an almost alien-like determination. That when I want to do something, I usually stick with it. While that’s true, determination can reach a point where it becomes unhealthy.
In the past, I’ve put social plans on hold because I wouldn’t have time to workout. I’ve worked out late at night, when I should have been sleeping, because I couldn’t fit a work out into my day. I’ve even attempted high intensity routines while sick with the flu.
There’s something special about working out, which I touched on a bit in my yoga post. When I exercise, regardless of what type of workout it is, it puts me in a zone where only I exist. I don’t have to worry about mundane tasks, impending deadlines, or my daily frustrations. It’s just me, my mat, and my commitment.
It’s hard to explain this to people who don’t workout, which sounds elitist (not my intention). I get mad when this time is interrupted, because it feels like I’m not being respected, like my time is invaluable. I spend 8 hours every day working for a place that makes me feel like a miserable sack of shit and then spend the rest of my time cooking, sleeping, and taking care of tasks (watering plants, making sure the cat is fed, etc.). It adds up. So, when I ask the world to give me 40-45 minutes just for myself, I get irritated when it’s not given to me.
This is the mindset I’ve been in since 2011, except now I’m demanding more time. Since I started remote work, I’ve been able to exercise on my 15-minute breaks and do yoga in the morning before I clock in. On average, I workout about 90 minutes every day. When work is busy or something comes up in my personal life that takes me away from getting all of my workouts in, I feel like a failure.
This isn’t a realistic thought. I know this, yet I still think it. It’s mentally and physically unhealthy. I also know this.
Pushing yourself can be good, but it also has its consequences. When you overwork your body, it doesn’t reward you, it punishes you. It can be through physical ailments (torn muscles, strains, etc.,), general fatigue, and even weight gain. Despite working out for 90 minutes every day and eating healthy, I’ve actually gained weight and I feel mentally and physically exhausted every day.
This past week, I’ve felt such a strain in my back, that it hurt to sit. Did that stop me from doing a 40-minute body-weight workout today? Nope.
There’s a lesson to be learned here, I know it, but I’m almost blind to believing it. I’ve heard it over and over again from instructors: listen to your body. It will tell you when to stop.
That’s true, but what happens when your mind is against what your body wants?
Day after day, I wonder if there’s some way to cure who I am. I am not happy with the way my brain works. The thoughts that I have are unrealistic, somehow I am aware of this, and yet I treat them as reality.
Lately, it feels like just about anything can set me off. One simple situation, thought, or story can send me into a painful downward spiral that can last the rest of the day or even the day after. I wonder how I can teach myself how to be more patient, to listen.
If I can’t listen to my own body, how am I going to listen to other people?
If I can’t create a good relationship with myself, how will I be able to create good relationships with others?
Today, I stopped myself from doing my last 15-minute workout. Small accomplishment, but an accomplishment nonetheless.
Starting now, I’m making it my goal to listen, love, and appreciate my body. Without it, I wouldn’t be alive.
